Tale Of Two Easily Dupped Fathers So let’s see. The episode starts with the Four walking into… Every conflict from 1989 to present day! That’s a ton of death, destruction and misery to be before!
Note. The is the first time you ever hear Bowser mention Wart Jr.’s minions by designation. Beezos, Albatoss mainly. Other than Mouser and Hydclyde he never really said any of their names.
Bowser, because it’s not hard to dupe people filled with hate, tricked the warring families of this Shakespearean adapt into buying Wart Jr minions and weapons. All to kill each other.
So they are basically burning down their own town because easily duped by Koopa. Ohkay… In the underground waterways aka the sewers they meet the lovers of this story. Romero & Joliet.
No. Romero isn’t the one who made DOOM and Daikatana. Nor is he the Living Dead Romero. He’s just Romero. And his love is… Sending mixed signals. Why? Her face… Wait. Is this meaning a famous actress is voicing her?
Also why is it Joliet is rather well endowed for a female character in this cartoon? That’s also a first for this cartoon I think. Sigh. Anyway Princess Toadstool stops the fighting and orders peace.
Upset that his plans to steal from the warring families by selling them troops and arms might fall apart… Huh? A really your plan is done. You sold them all they’ll buy. Why keep going?!?
Anyway he kidnaps Joliet. Since the fathers of the couple are on hair triggers in terms of not killing each other? They go back to trying to kill each other. Romero help the Four escape.
Yeah. Now suddenly the pair stop listening to Peach. Why? So they go to Bowser’s castle to save Joliet. Which involves finding out her wedding bouquet is Fire Flowers. Instant upgrade… For Mario.
Really? There’s enough flowers for everyone to upgrade. Anyway suddenly the gang assembles a makeshift kart to escape on. I’m before Super Mario Kart 1993. Anyway the wedding happens. Yay.
The episode ends with the fathers still hating each otner, now reduced to trying to hit each other’s with pixza. What a waste of the wedding catering. The end.
So let’s aim up. Another Mario Kart reference years before Mario Kart. Boeser says Beezos by name. A lady shows up with pronounced breasts. And that’s all the noteworthy things.
Ok? Ok! Tomorrow the episode angers me by going to Hawaii… Maybe… To consult a God of Fire. Uh… Ok maybe it’s just Tonga or Guam or something. We have a Goddess of Fire. Not a God.
I sense bad Polynesian stereotypes not seen since Gamera The Early Years are on their way. Ugh. Seriously?!? Why. Sigh. Tomorrow. See you then.
An Endangered Baby And NO YOSHI!?! GAH!! So hey. This episode featuring a baby is in a few years before Baby Mario arrives. Think that’s weird? Wait until next episode when they go into space years before Super Mario Galaxy.
While travelling through the oddly named Youth Kingdom, they are seeking the Fountain Of Youth. Why? No reason. Other than to turn Princess Toadstool (Peach) into a baby.
They run into three old men, who can’t wait to turn themselves back into teens. Except we have… King Koopa/Bowser in baby clothes. Why? Well… Maybe he’s not actually Koopa.
First appearance of a Baby Koopa, maybe a Koopa Jr before his kids arrive in SMB3? Maybe. His whole plan is to turn the old into babies, and make them do his chores. Do his chores?!? What???
That’s his one and only plan. Turn old people into babies to make them do his chores. Is he really Bowser’s young baby? Whatever happened to him after this series? Don’t care? Yeah. Me too.
Attempting to free the babies leads nowhere, and Peach falls into the Swimming Pool Of Youth. Becoming a well dressed baby. Sorry. Loss of clothes only happens in the Rule34verse.
And that’s the preponderance of the episode. After escaping with Baby Peach the trio has to care for her. Until they can return to Bowser’s castle pool house and turn her back.
Suddenly the episode becomes Baby Peach’s Day Out. Because of course it does. Everybody loves when people are abused while trying to keep babies from killing themselves. Right? Right.
Every possible danger scenario is done. And Peach calls Luigi and Mario Uncle… No no. Don’t think about that too hard. Just don’t please. Anyway she chases fireflies back to Koopa’s pool house.
Realizing they need to put a new switch into the aging mechanism to reverse the aging process, the brothers get to work. Only to be set upon by Bowser.
Suddenly we have Luigi talking but through Mario. The first time I noticed a major animation error in this series. One that flew past the editors some 35 or so years ago. Wow.
They knock Bowser Jr into the pool of youth, restoring him to his proper age. Then he vanishes and we probably never see this Bowser variant ever again. Peach and the others are restored.
Anyway no. Reversal turns everyone back to their proper age. You don’t end up with a lot of sexy naked men and women. That’s the Rule34verse. Peach remembers the trio caring for her, remarks if they ever leave plumbing the bros can be babysitters. Uh huh.
And that’s it. The time Peach was a highly intelligent danger seeking baby. Fine in never when she becomes a a highly intelligent little lady. In Two Plumbers And A Little Lady… Nope. No no no.
Tomorrow we go way off the main storyline. Why? Because the foursome are now in the Beetles Yellow Space Submarine, in Space… Sorry. No Princess Rosaline here. Dammit.
Mario’s Adventures in Space. Many years before the Wii & Super Mario Galaxy became a thing. Stay tuned… Sigh.
Created by Dicework Games, a Finnish company from a decade ago… and released by Crescent Moon Games back in 2010 for mobile for Android and iOs (Apple)… and now released on the SWITCH… we are looking at Rimelands: Hammer of Thor aka…
Copyright infringement lady… no seriously look at her. Now look at MARVEL’s interpretation of Red Sonya (Dark Agnes)…
Rose, from Rimelands, is basically Red Sonya only without having to pay Robert E Howard’s estate for using her… and it is set in… the Norse realm of legends, with Asgard… as a small town. Everything in this game is small. Even the large crypts… dungeons.
Seen entirely in a 2/3rds perspective (not quite First Person/Third Person Shooter or top down… if you played Dungeon Siege on the PSP, Throne of Agony, you know this visual style. I played that, so that is my comparison to it. Dungeon Siege: Throne of Agony. Go figure.
You play as Rose. When you were young you suffered Batman backstory, and your parents were killed. You were adopted by your strangely manipulative grandmother Morgan… na Le Fey? Wait. Is this supposed to be Norse? Or Arthurian Legend? Also why is it this entire game seems to be… set in Russia. For a game from a Finnish developer, set in Norse legend… why is it I keep getting Russian vibes from everyone. Which of course makes sense since this game looks like they were originally trying to make a Red Sonya game. Maybe thinking that Robert E. Howard’s Red Sonya was public domain… except because of Red Sonja (now in the hands of Dynamite) its not so free to publish. Unless you change the character. Like MARVEL did with Red Sonya, now Dark Agnes. Here too…
But dont get excited. The story is not compelling. Rose accidentially frees an evil, and must dungeon crawl from “crypt” to “crypt” to try and stop him. Only to find out her grandma tricked her into freeing the villain, because she wanted to trick the villain into taking out her rival because… are we sure she is not Morganna Le Fey?
Now the combat. Its all dice rolls. You roll a set amount of dice (basically a set amount of dice which is augmented by what gear you have… which is your bladed/blunt weapon, gun, armor, and accessory). You have health and stamina. Each roll if you can re-roll, you can use a bit of stamina to re-roll. If you draw low on health or stamina you can consume potions to regain each, or have certain skills to do each (from one of three skills you can choose at the first hour of the game… Barbarian, Shaman or Assassin… and no you cant learn more than one job, once you choose you must stick to it to the end).
There is some customization of the game… but after a few hours… several actually… you will become bored of the endless repetative combat. In fact as the game progresses, when you face harder and harder enemies? You could be sitting for several minutes just fighting one set of opponents given how long the endless re-rolling of dice for both you and your opponents are. And there is no way to short cut this combat system. You must sit through all the rolls, over and over again, regardless of whether you are engaging in distance combat with your weapon or magic, or hand to hand with your bladed or blunt instrument weapon. There is no getting around the combat.
Mind you if you can get away from opponents you can regenerate health and stamina… in fact sometimes you cant even get your opponents to attack you unless you specifically walk into their sphere of detection. I have had times when my enemies were knowledgable of my presence… and did nothing but stand in place and shriek the same noise clip over and over again unwilling to move until I moved closer.
As for the game’s AI… it doesnt have AI. The game continoulsy goes through the same attack patterns over and over again, without fail. Trust me you’ve seen the same types of enemies attack once you’ve seen them attack everytime. And there is not much in terms of variety in opponents either. You ahve certain male and female characters, some beasts like dogs… and thats it. Are we absolyutely sure this isnt supposed to be set in Russia in the 16th Century ala Red Sonya? Anyway there are a few towns in this game… but big deal. Most of the game is basically in dungeons, aka Crypts… and that is all you do. You search crypt after crypt, occasionally traverse outside areas… and fight fight fight. While it is not a pushover game, its also going to be very hard to lose even on normal setting. If you endure hard enough, and search every corner of every “crypt”, and find every treasure you can? You should have no problem getting through this game. This is a port of a mobile game so it is ok that this is not murderously hard. But the downside is it gets dull if you play for long perionds of time.
The Verdict…
It isnt much to buy this game. I bought it on sale and only spent a few dollars for it. And as a bargain basement game on the SWITCH (Lite) I am not regretting buying it… but it is just alright… I have played this for about several or more hours and I seem to be near the end of the game. I dont know how much more I need to push to finish it but… eh.
As a game that seems to be a backdoor bootleg Robert E. Howard Red Sonya game? It is… ok. Even if she is called Rose she is still Red Sonya. Not sure I like the idea of it being set in… “Norse lore”… without the trademark Norse gods. We have faeries, dwarves, and such… or are we really sure this isnt just a game originally meant to be set in 16th Century Russia reskinned… via text changes… to be set in Norse lands…
Story aside, the fact is the game is ok in terms of its combat but it wears on you after a while. Best played in bites at a time as opposed to binge played, if you play it for short periods of time it is kinda fun… but for me it is still a high 3 out of 5. I plan to finish the game, see how it ends… then move on. I dont know if I will ever replay it but… maybe one day. And as for what I chose? I chose Barbarian… maybe next time I’ll chose magic or stealth for my abilities… we will see. Anyway its a cheap game, and maybe the only way you’ll get to play a Red Sonya game (not Red Sonja,Red Sonya aka Dark Agnes)… oh well.
If I ever find another Hybroain Age game, or a game set in DC or Indie gaming… I will be back. Stay tuned.
Pop Goes the Darke Raven 